Today I had an EKG and gave a vial of blood away for testing. My heart beat is slower than average, but that’s not cause for worry…instead I’m obsessing over what’s in my blood and what could be causing this tension. I hear I should maybe try stretching my heart chakra. My insurance is crap and I had to pay for everything. No wonder so many people avoid doctor visits. The holding rooms were full of people complaining about the wait. A man proclaimed that he could draw our blood for free, to speed things up. I planned my defense and avoided eye contact. A silver-haired woman walked in with a bloody rag pressed against her temple. Very calm. The nurses spoke of chicken and waffle chips. Two women in the second, smaller waiting room laughed over news of their friend “falling off da poach wit her legs up in da air lika chicken” and wondered how long until they could leave for lunch at Ihop. I sanitized my hands and worried about why none of the lab techs wore gloves. On the way home NPR was sharing a story about the red socks’ pitcher’s bloody sock and I nearly fainted.

I remain,

Patiently waiting patient

Been avoiding the doctor, but I’m going Thursday. My chest has been hurting for weeks. A dull ache. I think I’m finally ready to know what my cholesterol levels are and whether or not my genes are bothering my heart. I hope it’s all in my head and I hope I’m just letting this “heart health month” stuff get to me. My morbid vision keeps running out of control. I drop dead at zumba and some young nurse tries to help. I’m seeing the other side and feeling this incredible scrambling urge to soak in every minute with people and work towards completing projects and plan a birthday party and be a present parent so I won’t be remembered as a complete flaking failure. I hope its just the moon messing with my fluids.

Frankie Ford, help me!!

You talk too much

JFK: Too often we hold fast to the clichés of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought. Mythology distracts us everywhere. For the great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie: deliberate, contrived, and dishonest. But the myth: persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. (Quotation from a speech at Yale University, June 11, 1962)

Trouble communicating, again. Is it the weather? Need more houseplants. Creative block. Was there ever anything creative in here? Fear of failure hindering momentum. Social anxiety lurking, again. Hindering projects. Is calling art a project making it become leas of an art? Possibly. Lost in technical writing. Technical writing about creative possibilities may be hindering my creativity. Anxiety. Want to believe in good. Could be thyroid trouble. Need to visit doctor. Worried about the they. Stumbling into old journals. So many boxes of rambling. Should i burn or save? Silverfish everywhere. Silverfish and spider in car. Remembering life before social media and smart phone. More connected and more alone?

Nonc Nu & Da Wild Matous will host a “Storytelling in Music” workshop, as part of the Houma Regional Arts Council’s Houmapalooza events, Wednesday October 24th from 6PM-8PM in the Bayou Terrebonne Waterlife Museum in downtown Houma.

The cajun-revival/New-aged-Zydeco band will perform some of their original music influenced by their childhoods in South Louisiana and lecture about their influences and inspirations in their music.

Age is a number, but its also a collection of experiences and sometimes (for some of us) of a badge of accomplishment. I made it. I can’t believe, after all that foolishness, after all that recklessness, I made it. (In a week I’ll have made it, anyway.) Here I am, happier than I’ve ever been. My 2.5 year old son is beautiful, healthy, brilliant and happy. My partner/husband/baby daddy is loving, honest, ambitious, and supportive. My most ambitious (to date) creative dreams are coming true. My projects are being recognized and supported by important arts organizations.

I’m arranging ideas of how I want to live this new decade. I’m comparing myself to what I once was- acknowledging the awful parts and sending them forever away. I’m polishing the best parts, because they could be better. I have lots of goals for this new decade, probably/hopefully more than I’ll write here. Here they are, in no particular order: 1.) Socially- I aim to rid myself and the people around me of the effects of my shyness. I find that this shyness, in addition to being wholly awkward for all, either gives off an air of aloofness and coldness or extreme chattiness/ know-it-all-ness (depending on how much coffee I’ve had), which possibly causes acquaintances//new people to view me as a person with a deranged superiority complex. In truth, I’m always impressed by the accomplishments and lives of others (unless the person is completely negative..then I cannot get tied in, because I need to keep the largest sections of my emotional space open and available for my family). I think our accomplishments are relative to our own life experiences, interests and limitations, don’t you? I like learning from others and sharing accomplishments. I don’t compare accomplishments to try to win anything. I enjoy spending time with people who share my values and interests.  2.) Personally-I’m aiming to maintain my self-confidence. I plan to be a better, more present friend. I’m accepting that I cannot undo the past. I can forgive myself and keep on with this new path, hoping that the people whose forgiveness I most desire have forgiven or at least forgotten and moved on to happier places. I don’t want to go deep into this here, but those who know/knew me well in the last two decades know what I’m talking about. 3.) Professionally-This one goes along with the social goals, but I’m aiming to be even more organized and ambitious. I plan to follow through with plans that I make with others.I tend to get excited, and then I get distracted because I’m busy with West and family and just trying to maintain/grow my projects… and then I just let things slip. I have to stop doing that, its lazy and there really is no excuse. 4.) Health- Exercise even more. I’ve gotten back on the exercise wagon this past year, but I’m still not up to the recommended 30-60 minutes each day. Healthy living has played a HUGE role in making me into the happy person I am today. Exercise, healthy eating, drinking in moderation, no smoking (sorry mom and dad…I was a moderate smoker for about eight years, on and off, then a heavy smoker for about a year). I deeply regret having ever tried those ghastly clove and tobacco cigarettes. I convinced myself that since I was smoking the “good” american spirit brand that I wasn’t at risk for getting sick. In truth, there were plenty of times where my chest hurt so much that I could hardly breathe. Forget exercise while smoking..its an awful, antiquated, self-depricating past-time and I hate it. I have Walter to thank for getting me over it. I think it really takes another person to help keep a smoker from going back to the habit. I digress. I’ve quit taking those awful energy supplements. I may have done permanent damage to my heart from all the no-doze and yellow jackets I took in my 20′s, but now I’m strictly coffee and tea, in moderation. There’s other ridiculous tales of health-abuse, but there’s no need to revisit any of that here.

Well then. This was an incredible ramble and its possible that I may hide this post at some point…and there’s a good chance that you won’t see anything like this out of me until I’m 40.

I wanted to post this for the world to see because its me. Its the most honest version of the making of the present-day me that I’m willing to share with the internet, anyway.

I was Associate Producer for these educational videos for Terrebonne Parish, check them out here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/TerrebonneParish/videos